spirituality / German Colony vs. Katamon vs. Nachlaot Jews

I teach "spirituality" but the term is misleading. For many people, it means having a certain nice, gooey feeling. But God is not in the fire, or the gooey feeling. God is in the fire, the gooey feeling, the quiet feeling, the non-feeling, the non-fire.

Spiritual practices are skillful in that they bring people to contemplative practices which allow God to be perceived. But they can also be a bit deceptive.

Here in Jerusalem, I am so much less "spiritual" than I am in the states. My friends who are here, naive new Jews who know more about Kabbalah than the aleph-bet -- literally -- are chasing Carlebach minyans, trippy Jews, all the rest. I am quite happy to be with people who are living here, living normal lives, people for whom mitzvot are part of the fabric of their existence, not necessarily those who wear bright white kippot all the time.

I feel like a bit of a grinch, but also somehow patronizing of them. I feel gentle with these feelings, but I do notice that they are there.

Really, they're just beginners. Or is it that I have gotten almost a little bit cynical? After all, in the States, I really am not interested in Jews who are not on fire. So why here do I find myself a little bit bored with the on-fire Jews, and thirsting for the normal ones? Normal not in the normal sense, of course - they're still freaks compared to ordinary people. But normal in the sense of a little more grounded, a little less meshugenah. A little more knowledgeable, too.

Interestingly, I logged onto blogger ready to feel ambivalent and almost guilty about denying my friends a trippy shabbat -- shabbos is coming in in half an hour. As it happens, I made it clear to them that I wouldn't be offended if they went elsewhere, and they quickly made some trippy plans in Nachlaot.

Am I a German Colony Jew, or a Nachlaot Jew? Usually, Nachlaot - no question. But when I'm here, the spirituality is in the air. It's in the stuff that my friends don't seem to notice - the people on the bus, the Burger King. The Burger King is redemption. Singing ay day day... that's what we need when we aren't surrounded by all this holiness.

The Ari Mikvah last week was amazing; I won't take anything away from that. But I am also feeling good about the normal little mikva here in Katamon.

Maybe it's just my mood? I don't think so. I feel quite certain about my preference. I am sure they are going to have an amazing time over there -- there's a wedding and all kinds of craziness. I also feel strange because, look, I'm going to the Breslover shteibel! I'm not going to Chopin... yecch, thinking about that place gives me the creeps. But as the shabbat comes in here in Jerusalem, I don't feel the need for "holy" people in quotation marks. Just holy people is fine.

I think at this moment I am feeling very confused. Part of me now wants to go to that experience, to stimulate the energy, all of that. I think a much deeper part of me wants to be at the Breslover shul, and is actually sad not to be sharing *that* piece with them. But, in a way, Shir Yaakov is the random factor here. His being here has enabled all kinds of permutations, in a very positive way. He was the link just now to Nachlaot.

I mean, I came home from the mikvah and found Ari wearing his Breslov kippa and a tripped-out tallis, and everything, and I was like: oy, wait til the host people get a load of him. Plus I was embarrassed - he was so "obviously" a neo-hasid baal tshuvah, with his broken Hebrew. But, I mean, that's what he is! The only person with a problem is me, being embarrassed. So he's going where he ought to go, the place that is right for him.

I think I had this idea that I would introduce Ari & Marie to the Katamon/German Colony world, and they would see themselves in it. Married couples, living normally in Israel, learning, the whole picture. But I think maybe they see themselves in the crazy Nachlaot world - married couples, living crazily in Israel, learning, that whole picture. A different picture from my expectation.

And it's not fragile or temporary, like some critics say. It changes, of course, just as the Katamon model changes.

Where is my home, in this world? In Jerusalem, with so many infinitesmal gradations of spirituality, I know I can travel from place to place and be comfortable in many. But where is _me_?

It feels tempting to end the blog note right there, on the question. But really, listen to my heart. It wants to be at the Breslov shul, and then have a nice, heimish dinner, with spiritual and amazingly intelligent people. There are lots of options in Jerusalem that all will be great and good. So, nu, they're in a different place than I am. They'll tell me about it tomorrow.

Good shabbos!