thicker skin

I need thicker skin. I just got off the phone with the ambulance-chaser lawyer who handled my car accident case, before he felt a conflict of interest would force him to withdraw. As it happens, the two even scummier lawyers that he put me in touch with don't want the case. I had a friend agree to do it, but the lawyer wanted $2000 in fees (actually, he keeps upping the number every time I talk with him, it used to be $1200, and he thinks I don't notice) before he would turn over the file.

After months of dodging, he did finally come out and say "give me my $2000 or I won't give you the file." He says this is allowed under New York law. I don't know.

The point is, he was verbally abusive on the phone. He basically yelled at me. I responded with compassion and feel good about that. I never raised my voice, never used the language he threw at me. And I know a few things. I know he is a really damaged individual who is this abusive for a reason. He's really a low-quality sort of person, and it shows in everything he does, from the way he handled my case to the way he dresses. He is good at what he does, but what he does involves vindictiveness, shading the truth, scheming, conniving. I think he probably experiences a lot of happiness in his life - he makes money, and he seems like the kind of guy who can kick back and enjoy a drink or something. But I do believe that no one can be as needlessly abusive and deceptive as he is without having a core of pain.

Nevertheless, I am so rattled by this that I can't work (and I have a ton of work to do before I leave on my trip for Israel). I am angry, hurt, sad. Part of that is that I feel like the worst people here -- the insurance companies that are my true adversaries -- may well win. There may be nothing I can do. And part of it is that I want the money; I am alleging about $400,000 in damages, and deserve at least that much if not more, based on lost salary, stock -- I can't even go for pain and emotional distress because of the posture of the case. But I feel like a big part of it is just that I was yelled at, abused by this man.

I've just spent the last few days at a spiritual summit/retreat, surrounded by all kinds of love: friendly love, solidarity, erotic love, spiritual love, really warm emotional support. If anything, it became too much -- there was too much lovey dovey ness, and too much eroticism. I had to draw boundaries there was so much. Yesterday, in the decompression, I spent time with someone I care about, easing into "real life", the life of lies and walls and thick skin. And now this.

I feel ill-equipped to work in this society. I guess the people in the retreat world say, that's because the society is insane. But I feel sad that, in part because of the work I've been doing over the last few years, I have grown so delicate that I need to be cloistered away in order to survive.

How to balance strength and openness? How do you remain engaged, loving, and open to receiving love, but not be so sensitive that pain like this stuff from my lawyer doesn't hurt so much?

I did act skillfully, and there were even times where I saw he was thrown off his rant by the way I was using his energy, just letting it pass through me and not fighting back. He probably wanted me to get pissed, that's what I'm sure he's used to in his business: being stronger at fighting. Instead I felt like jujitsu -- but not quite, because it didn't just slide past me, it went through me and left a trace. A trace that now really hurts.

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