you should have sex with god

At the climax, or near it: tears of St. Theresa rapture joy fucking god the father son holy spirit

laughing and morphing visualization shapes, protean, none of them but all of them. i saw my father's eye.

i was shamed to bring in the ancestors, shamed to touch older men's bodies. but now i feel empowered with healing hands to bring your motherfucking body to rapturous ecstasy where if you are here your energy will rise and you will see sparks.

the workshop is very wise. spiritual without specific myth. body-centered without being an orgy. less work for the mind, but given how much i work in my mind anyway: ok. and the heart of course.

i really do think i never understood what making love was about. it was always about my
pleasure and generosity. never taking pleasure in giving pleasure. the generosity piece was sort
of about my ego, sort of about how hot the other guy was, and in large part about being an ethical
person. you know, not being selfish. but there’s a whole other piece now which is so much less
involved in my subjectivity, namely the bringing of intense pleasure and also possibly something
spiritual to the other person. my stuff is totally irrelevant in this. the ‘stuff’ of mine that gets
pleased is the part of me that wants to serve, create, build, make something lovely. not the part
that wants to get off. and then, doop, what happens is that it is, in fact, incredibly sexy.
regardless of what the body type of the person does for me, what’s sexy is that person’s eroticism
and my ability to wake it up. that, in fact, is much sexier than a big cock or a nice body. of
course, eye candy persists - i still look at nick and his beautiful blond body rather than someone
fat or something. but in the erotic moment itself, what’s erotic is eroticism.

this is mysticism. what is love is love. what is god is god. at that moment there is just god
fucking godself. the summoning up of that energy by my energy - the selves are barely engaged
here. again: it’s not the energy or the eros that _is_ god. god “isn’t” love. love
is something that is God, but does not sum up God. the energy is a manifestation of the One, it’s
not that the One “is” that energy and not, say, a table. the last part is the idolatrous part. not the
idol itself so much as the stone that is discarded.

but because erotics is so self-transcending, it is like the perfect guitar solo, or ecstatic prayer.
you are taken out of yourself and into something where the rational mind can take a break and the
non-rational parts can engage. is it possible to be purely pre-rational in that place? sure. but a
lot of people weren’t, and i wasn’t. i held the mind. it was also pre-rational - i think things can
be both pre and trans at about the same time. or at least involve both. certainly humping,
gyrating, moaning - these did not hold the mind. these happened beneath the mind, and it was
great to get down to that primal place and scream. but the part afterwards, with a spiritual vision
of god in shapeshifting form, with the clarity of the yood, with the first prophetic voice since that
night on retreat (was it over 2 nights or just 1 - i can’t recall), with the understanding of my
relationship with my father - those were trans-rational.

after the 'giving' session in the morning, everything was so clear and soft. the tragedies of
suffering were transparent. the goodness of a vegetable was radiant and pure.

so radical erotics erases the self, and brings one to an altered state, and puts one in touch with
deep yearnings, and in the intensity of it all creates a peak experience which can lead to great
clarity, peace, and love.

in some ways it’s like every other kind of peak experience. it too will pass, and the key thing is
to learn from it, integrate it, etc. not immediately go in search of more peak experiences, or
suppose that the peak is the One. however, peak experiences also differ from each other, and
that’s important to notice. there were ingredients in this one, places that were accessed, that were
deeper and more profound than in others. and there were pieces of others that were harder to
touch here. the ultimate ingredient(s) of each are the same - God. but even at a peak experience
we have come up a mountain to get to the peak and so the view is a little different and more
importantly we are different for having come up that particular mountain.

it is an initiation. to love the energy of the other rather than his or her body. my friend beth said:
get out of dualism. in dualist sex, i have my pleasure and you have yours. if i am generous, i look
out for both, but that's what it is about. in nondualist sex, there is just this energy here. i take
pleasure in your pleasure, and pain in your pain. i felt waves and balls of energy circling through and
around my body. i concentrated on the ecstasy of those whom i was massaging. this was just God.

still in the post-state a little bit, i wonder: what is the meaning of conventional sexual morality at all?
the puzzlement is what i'm noticing; it's so delicious. only a few days ago i felt that sex was a bad thing,
despite all my rhetoric and all my poses. now i'm kind of wondering how we ever get into that mess, and
why.

when i was younger i used to think that the more i shared, the "cheaper" what i was sharing was. so i
didn't share anything at all. i feel like many people still live in that zone today.

monogamy is like idolatry. it is based on an idea that only with the one partner can the true, deep, erotic
knowing take place. that isn't true. yes, you have to do a lot of work to get there with someone you don't
know in the way partners know each other, but you can do it. and then we see that it is not the partner
that is beloved, but the Beloved Itself. it is the Friend that you love. love with all your heart and your might.
your might: the energy that you generate and spread and feel and summon, and the power. the roar.

avinu malkeinu, our father our king -- to love the father emotionally, erotically, spiritually, intellectually. this is
a gift of gay men. many of our fathers starved us emotionally but because of how we are we thirsted for that
love. thirsted and found its Source and reintegrated it and brought it returning to the One.