loneliness + jealousy = boredom

Haven't been on Friendster for a long while, but I got a message from someone so of course I went on and checked to see what my ex-boyfriend is up to. We weren't even fucking boyfriends - we were just fucking. He didn't believe in a "relationship." Now his Friendster profile says he's "in a relationship."

"I don't believe in relationship" is a complete lie. It means "not with you."

Another time, someone who's now a friend of mine, but who I was 'interested' in at the time, said, "I just don't think I could ever be in a relationship -- I'm worried." Six months later he met someone, and they've been together for over a year now.

All my friends are coupling off. When I was a closeted upper west side nice Jewish boy, this was difficult enough. I felt like a weirdo, like I was being left behind, like a freak. My friends got younger, because my peer-age friends were marrying off and disappearing. (People like to say they won't be like that when they get married, but they almost always are, in my experience.)

But now, it feels even worse. Now I'm living a life in which I should be able to meet the man of my dreams, or at least of my reality. But friends, gay, straight, and in between, are all hitching up. My cool sex-radical friend Indigo -- LTR. My friends Jon and Abi, who I think met through me -- LTR. Tripped out Jewish comrades in arms -- LTR. My good friend Robert -- LTR. My other friend Rob -- engaged.

Really I'm hard pressed to think of anyone even close to my age who is still as alone as I am. And the thing of it is, that is so boring. It is so boring to be complaining of being alone. I have been doing it for so long. I have nothing new to say about it to the world, or to myself.

I have put a series of offers on a house upstate, which I hope to buy. Although this is not the reason I am buying it, I wonder if being at a geographical remove, leading a very different lifestyle from my current one, wil take some of the sting out of being alone.

I have met really good guys. I went on a date with someone who is really just perfect for me, but for some reason I wasn't attracted to him. I have the number of people who met me at parties, and who really liked me, and who called me, but somehow, it doesn't feel right. It never feels right. The only thing that feels right at the moment is this ridiculous fuck-buddy relationship I have with a totally untrustworthy 23-year old kid with a boyfriend in San Francisco. (I found out the Hebrew word for fuckbuddy yesterday: yeziz.) Do I need to go back into therapy to figure out why I am only attracted to people with whom there is no likelihood of a future?

I have never been in a long term relationship with a man. My record is two months. I am 32. This is pathetic.

To be fair, I was closeted for a long time, and I did maintain a 15-month relationship with a woman, which, though conflicted, was also sincere and loving on both our parts. She dumped me.

When I am in a retreat context or some other place in which my mindfulness practice is "working," I legitimately believe my relationship with God to be worth my loneliness with people. Honestly. I see the desire to say it's just consolation, hold it, but ultimately feel as though, no, this isn't consolation, this is reality and the closest thing to "destiny" that I believe in.

Now is not one of those times. Now I see everybody around me finding love in relationship, and I'm just me, the same me, still alone, doing new things, leading an interesting life, but utterly alone. When I get like this, I don't even want to see my friends.