singin the body electric

Just back from part one of the Body Electric workshop. For those of you not in the know, Body Electric is a Westernized Tantric practice that teaches sensual massage and breathing techniques in order to achieve long-lasting, full-body orgasm states without ejaculation. Although Body Electric has jettisoned much of the specific myths and symbols of the practices, it still views its work as spiritual in nature. Certainly, the work is transformative, and leads to rapture states. It could be worth it just for the ecstasy -- today I felt a wave of orgasmic pleasure ripple through my arms and upper chest.

It's a very interesting yesh practice, which means: it involves itself in the world of form - in the One as manifestation, rather than as essence. The rapture is intense enough to do what peak experiences do: jolt you out of the "self." That really is the key: art, athletics, ecstatic prayer, sex. It's all just about getting out of the self.

As my teacher David Cooper says, there is a large risk of misconstruing what is going on: we think that the rapture is the point. Certainly I thought it was when I was a student of mysticism rather than a practitioner of it. You do enough of practice A or B, you get yourself into a state where the "mystical experience" occurs. And that's the point.

In fact that is not the point at all. The point is to deeply and experientially know that the self is not real, that subject=object, etc. This can be done without rapturous ecstasy - you can see heaven in a wildflower, not just a full-body orgasm. But, as David says, the ecstasy is so, so sweet that it's easy to get a bit confused.

The body electric practice has many other purposes, however, besides this particular spiritual insight. Just being in touch with the body in this way is very moving. Together with kundalini-derived breathing practices and holds and some pretty amazing sensual massage techniques (I feel like meeting someone online now just to show him heights of ecstasy never before experienced), the practice also involves a lot of group dynamics, listening, and lowering of barriers. It's not just that you're naked for most of it. It's also that you're talking about how you feel about your body, and doing very deep sensual work in pairs. For many people, myself included, the practice's psychological and emotional aspects are at least as important as the spiritual and carnal ones. (There they are again: body, heart, mind, spirit. How did I ever think before this map?)

Some difficult stuff came up for me today. I found that deep, deep down there are insecurities that I still have about my body. I still don't believe myself to be attractive, or manly, even though beautiful boys I sleep with tell me I am on a regular basis. I still don't believe gay sex to be completely holy or even ok, even though I'm leading retreats and writing books on precisely that subject. And I still carry around an internalized disapproval or even homophobia which I either project on my parents or learned from them. At the end of today's session, when we invoked our male ancestors, I couldn't help thinking how horrified they would be at what we had done, and sort of agreeing that it was a transgression,
even though I was in heights of ecstasy and felt radiantly alive in a way that these people rarely did (I think).

I know a lot of people get off on transgression. I think that's a defense mechanism - a response to conscience. I am really troubled by it. Intellectually, I know that our bodies are gifts from God and we should play with them and live through them and, christ, today was good. But there is this deep core of Jewish guilt, or traditional Jewish morality, that's very persistent. It says, "Come on - if you're going to fuck around, fine. But don't go telling me it's really holy."

I can also go down a path I've gone down before: when I'm in expanded mind, this is all fine, and I am peaceful and loving. When I am constricted mind, this is problematic, and I also happen to be a jerk, and angry, and selfish. So, which place (a) is nicer and (b) is better for the world? Obvious. And yet - that's all on the level of mind. I guess it's in my heart that I still feel guilty. Will it ever lift?

I recognize myself as wounded, and as part of the majority of the Queer Nation that is wounded. I understand that the non-wounded are growing in number, and I look forward to their being the default. But I guess I had thought that the wound would not still smart when I looked at it.

It's really shocking to think about. Around sex, I have religious objections, family-emotional objections, and body-image issues. Sex is supposed to be fun and great! And I am a very sensual person, I revel in that. But look at all this shit that I carry around every time I get a hardon.

(It's nice blogging these thoughts instead of Zeekwriting them, I don't have to find the right words.)

Again, I'm realistic about this. I just spent the day in very intense bodywork, with guards down and clothes off, doing things that probably 99% of the world's population would be afraid (or disgusted) to do. So I'm not just bashing myself here. I guess I'm just saddened to see that there is all this stuff, still here.

That was a lot of the heart piece today. I did feel nurtured, pampered, desired. It was also an amazing feeling giving so much pleasure to someone else, to make him writhe in delight at my touch. I hope I can practice these techniques so I can use them. They do require a certain orientation on the part of the receiver - most importantly, attention on the body (instead of on some fantasy or whatever) and a faith that there is way more pleasure than ejaculation.

The body electric practice is a lot better than I thought it would be. I had a lot of anxiety about the pagan pieces or the idolatrous ones. Those were almost completely nonexistent. They've really stripped out the practice, kept the spiritual core, but jettisoned the bells & incense. It's like unitarianism with a stiffie.

And it was great to be a student. I noticed a lot of times a desire to establish myself as an expert - in meditation, or body/spirit stuff, or whatever - and succumbed a few times. But I released too. And after the body-orgasm, at midday, I was in retreat mind. The air was so clear, New York was beautiful, sad and spacious. God it was good to be back in that place again.