the closet

So, a friend of mine, who if he weren't European would be the most obviously gay man I know, is theoretically in the closet. He doesn't want me to tell my friends he's gay, and that we have this connection. I feel like I'm being put back in the closet, being asked to lie. Where are my loyalties supposed to be? On the one hand, of course, my loyalty is to my friend. On the other hand, it's not really helping him to perpetuate this myth that he can somehow lead a full life while lying about his sexuality. I suppose it's his choice to make, not mine, but who is he kidding? Not all gay people are obviously gay, but he certainly is.

I'm in Israel now, and experiencing the mood swings that come from an intense spiritual experience. I felt elated today after a hike, and then returned home to get really pissed off at the selfishness of some friends. I am acting as a de facto tourguide for my friends here, and they are not very big into saying thanks. I feel they are barely tolerating me, actually, and are doing so just because they need me.

The Palestinians are completely invisible here, which is a success from Israel's point of view. Their new tactic of attacking soldiers seems to be working. Soldiers are legitimate military targets. 11 of them have died in the last two days, and my anger is mostly at Israel for having them their to begin with. Whereas, when Palestinian terrorists kill civilians, I want to see the terrorists killed, maimed, stopped, whatever. Today I drove past the funerals on Har Herzl for some of those soldiers -- some of them 18, 19 years old. I felt sorrow, mostly, since I was there, unlike the Americans who pontificate from afar. But I did also feel some anger at the far right wing, which wants to hang onto every scrap of land, even a historically insignificant, arab-filled rathole like Gaza. I felt like, with these people, who was really responsible for their death? I can't really blame the Palestinians for resisting this occupation, and killing the occupying soldiers, I mean, isn't that the way to resist?

The Separation barrier -- it's like someone dreamed up the thing most likely to infuriate people. It is hideous, and plows right through the landscape. I watched some arab kids playing soccer today, and it was so nice, they seemed to be completely ignoring the political situation. Like most kids. And yet, the wall - you can't ignore that. It's like forcing people who otherwise might try to ignore politics to look it square in the face. This helps no one.

I feel like a few people are ruining it for everyone. A few palestinian terrorists, a few right-wing Israelis. Mostly I blame Arafat. He had it, he had it in his hands - a state, the territory, a great deal. He said no. All this is his fault, ultimately. Had he said yes, Barak would be a hero, the economies of both peoples would be in far better shape, and we would still be thinking about how to move forward. Instead, he said no, riots happened, and people supported rejection. Talk about betrayal.

But it's mostly a conversation topic. What's real is the suffering of people. I had shabbat dinner last week with a girl who survived a bus bombing -- she was actually on the bus. Burned, with hearing loss, but mostly ok. Alive, at least. That's what's real. Strategic bullshit is the masturbation of Americans too cowardly to get over here, pick up a gun, and fight. Or get over here and protest, or something.

The way American Jews talk about Israel is just how they talk about baseball. Those who can't play, or are too afraid to get really involved, talk and analyze it to death.

I don't mean the experts, I mean my co-bloggers and folk like that. It's a form of connection to Israel, talking about politics. How about you come over here and shut up.

My relationship to Israel is so complex. I would like to buy a place, but then I'd only use it one month out of the year. Makes more sense to find a long-term sublet rental type of deal. And when pressed, why _do_ I want to be here? It's just in the air. I wrote in my private diary that while my friends are searching for "spiritual" experiences, for me - I mean, those are nice, but I'd rather just sit in the shade of a tree, breathe the air, and simply be here.

Buddhism and Judaism converge at last!