The idea of "should"

Mind is a bit of a whirlwind today. Can’t seem to settle down, even as I try to be with the energy of thinking, that concept will itself take root and sprout new thoughts. Sigh. I think the skillful thing to do here is not throw in the towel and say, fuck it, I’m fast, might as well deal with it - on the one hand - and also not go into shaming and constriction on the other. This may be why arduous discipline works for Steve (the teacher) - he may experience discipline as something non-shame oriented and non-constricting – indeed, he seems to experience it as ennobling. The warrior stance. For me, I don’t know if I’m disciplined or undisciplined, but I know the feeling of being disciplined is not one which feels good to me. Maybe one day it will, but not now.

Which is my main topic. The word “should.”

For whatever reasons, and I don’t know if I should (!) go into them, but I probably will anyway, I have a lot of tension around being confined and tied to a set of rules. Ironic, since I do that with my kashrut and shabbat observance so much - it occurs to me these are basically all that is left of my halachic Judaism, even as I go around with some idea that I am still halachic. I mean, I don’t daven, wear a kippa, adhere to the moral rules qua moral rules (I do so for their intrinsic merit, not because they are the rules), and of course all the sodomy. Yet I still see myself as using the halachic system as the way in which I respond to the sacred. I feel like this deserves a little closer looking-at. How idiosyncratic am I?

Then again, in the Olden Days, people were referred to as shomer shabbos or mechallel shabbos. Suggesting that even then it was the main thing.

Anyway, despite whatever my allegiance to halacha is, I really chafe at being disciplined. This while at the same time I have a definite sense of guilt that comes up when I am not disciplined, as well as a story that says that you are not disciplined and if you only were, then x, y, z.

On retreat this has come up in both trivial and more serious areas. Trivially, I have gone through hell and back regarding food, getting seconds, eating real food at the tea meal, eating with gusto when I feel like it – all of it. Some meals are now better than others. Sometimes I can put all that aside and enjoy the goddam spaghetti. Sometimes I’m too busy thinking of it as the goddam spaghetti (i.e., with tension in the mind) and it doesn’t work. Fascinating: it becomes a “should” also. “You should eat your spaghetti mindfully, and stop worrying about all that other stuff.” Whereas, you know, if the other stuff is predominant, that’s where the attention goes. Too bad for the spaghetti; there’ll be another meal later.

On the more serious side, it’s come up regarding the whole nature of my practice. Is writing this entry wise or unwise? Should I be doing walking instead? Some things I’ve figured out are healthy for me even if they’re not in orthodox vipassana - sitting elsewhere than the meditation hall, for example. Or taking a walk every so often (e.g. once every 2 days) outside to get back in touch with the sacred, nature; to get some air and out of the often claustrophobic feelings in here. (Even though, of course, it would also be good to explore those feelings, etc.) So, it could be that all of this is actually exploration. I’ll find out for myself the effects that doing all this writing has. I’ve seen on past retreats, and on this one, that it is (surprise) a question of balance and moderation. For me, my mind gets so active that it’s really helpful to brain-dump and not enter into the storms of regret when I feel like I’ve forgotten something good. On the other hand, sometimes the writing can itself stir up the mind. So it’s important to do it, and important to put it down, and most important to remain mindful even while doing it - both with the quick, enjoyable energy of this right now... and in pausing, breathing, recentering.

I am having second thoughts about putting this up on the blog when I’m done. I feel like that turns this into a performative act, with a lot of ego involved (look how smart I am! Please!) and with a lot of teacher-mind (let me show you the dharma, instead of experiencing it myself). We’ll see.

Back to should. I guess, before going back, I can make that digressions note I wanted to make. All these digressions and parentheticals I think are actually seeing the mind more clearly. I’m not more scattered than usual; on the contrary. The mind is clear, and so the branches and associations come up in a clear way that can be written down. There are far fewer other things bouncing around up there, thank God, than usual.

My sense of “should” I think also corrupts how I interact with people. At least this many things happen:
- I want to impress them, so I show off instead of being completely honest about what’s going on for me (e.g. on retreat: walking in a certain way)
- I judge myself for wanting to impress them, etc.
- I resent having to pretend to be something I’m not. I’d much rather walk alone than walk with others, because then I can just be me, as opposed to worry about what other people are thinking. I do better walking that way. (Of course, I also see that I should note that worry-energy and maybe learn to be with it [stage one] and then maybe one day it’ll even stop coming up quite so much [stage two]).
- I judge other people all the time: he’s got great practice; I have compassion for her because she seems upset (note the judgment even in there)
- I experience a sense of Should and then project it onto other people, and then resent it. E.g., these people are such polite eaters, screw them, I want to eat my way. When there’s no evidence for that; it’s just a projection of my own fear of seeming like a coarse pig.
- I see someone and have an uncompassionate thought about them, and then judge myself for having it.
- I repress embarrassing things, like farting, or unskillful things, like laughing, and then feel irritated at having to repress myself.
- I resent when other people don’t do what they Should (if I’m in a hostile place) or feel superior to them (if I’m ‘tranquil’).

Yow. And it goes on. And those are just the ones having to do with ‘should.’

Imagine if I were fully at ease around other people. Imagine if I really didn’t care what they think – and see how different that feels from the posture of “screw it! I don’t care what they think.” Probably aside from the farting part, most of the stuff on that list – I could do without and function exactly the same as I do now.

But the energy is usually “who cares what they think” with a judgment on myself and an anger at the other people.

In the real world, of course, there are so many more layers. Comparing myself to others, envying how cool/rich/happy they are. And then if I judge that they are less cool/spiritual/whatever than I am, I lose interest in them as people.

It’s not all that bad, of course. But it is present, along with the better bits.

I think it is going back to Should.

I’d like to say that Should is totally worthless. That what we just need to do is cultivate more compassion, and allow what’s naturally there to shine. Of course, there’s a ‘should’ in there too. But not the same as ‘you should let other people ahead of you in line’ or ‘you should give more money to charity.’ But it’s not true: There’s still the should of being more generous, patient, kind. We need these ideals to strive for in order to remind ourselves when we’re not totally in a compassionate mindstate. Let alone the masses of people.

I think what I’d like would be a different energy around Should. Not getting rid of it, but having a middle-way tone. I think the reasons, from up above, why I’m so averse to it have to do with my experience. So much of ‘Should’ is bullshit. You shouldn’t be naked and dance with people, you shouldn’t have lots of sex, you should have a respectable job, you should only have sex with members of the opposite gender - and in marriage, you should never do drugs. Or let’s take some dicier ones. You should always study really hard and try your hardest to be your best. You should always do what’s right – is that really true? What kind of boring-ass life is that?

I hear Should, and I get a schoolmarm image of someone repressed, moralistic, and not having a whole lot of fun. That is reinforced with things like that horrible recorded dharma talk, which was exactly that. Don’t listen to music that makes your ears hurt. Jesus Christ, you know, we’re alive - how about cutting loose sometimes? Agreed, doing it all the time is harmful. But a little excess now and then is good for my soul.

And notice that hostility that arises in me hearing her.

I accept that hostility-energy. It is what it is...

It’s not that I expect “serenity now” from accepting that energy, by the way. Just presence with whatever is. That is what I’m working on, or, allowing.

The other trouble with Should is that it seems to me a denial of what is. How do we have Should without judgment?

For me, the most important first step is being mindful of where we really are when we are supposedly relaxing into shouldlessness. A lot of times, and I’ve noted this before in a different context, there actually is a lot of unacknowledged hostility in me. That ‘screw you’ energy. Once I “settle back” - a good metaphor from Steve, at last ;-) – I can feel a very different sense around the should/shouldn’t thing. It’s very gentle, and slow.

Now the quandary is still there, but without any of its quickness or bite. Should I go for a walk outside or do formal walking practice inside, let’s say. Should I take ecstasy this weekend or not (note, that is not an actual question as I have none with me). The decision made in the moment, by me and not by a rulebook, has a flow that feels good to me.

Maybe the problem is that conventional Should energy feels like it’s coming from without, from someone who doesn’t get me, and isn’t here now.

I’m feeling a desire to stop writing because some tranquility has just cozied on in and I’m preferring that to continuing this discourse.

Meh - I’ll go cultivate that. These ideas will wait.