Monasticism and Self-Discipline

(from notebook)

Can you seize the day without grasping it? I think so.

Lots of tension around the monastic piece again, because I have two values in conflict:
1, My humility and wish for this to be “right” for me, and to follow their wisdom
2, My sense that life is to be lived richly.

Am I a spoiled brat because I am here more to see eternity in an hour than end my suffering?

I mean, I have suffering – but not like kids with cancer.

There were many times today when I felt like I’ve had enough of this. I want a hamburger; I envy people laughing; and I wonder, is this really worth it? As I drop in and out of gadlut, I just feel like a 10-day would be just about right. I admit, the thought of 5 more weeks of this (!) fills me with dread.

I haven’t worked too skillfully with restlessness. I see now that what I want to do now is read or be on the computer. Something. I have doubt that if I just sit here and be restless, that at some point I’ll break through in some lasting way. I know the restlessness will pass, but I feel like that will happen no matter what I do – whether I play a computer game or do walking meditation. Either way, at some point, I’ll slip back “in” and feel this is all great and precious. It’s like being schizophrenic here – really, I feel like there are 2 personalities sometimes coexisting and sometimes in outright battle.

It would be nice if things were gentler inside. I noticed with my indecision – it’s very argumentative. More self-ass-kicking – and I do this every day.

Also noticed: a pattern of “You’re not OK” and then an angry, hurt, defensive “Yes I am!” Came up with the pizza lunch – I got so tight around justifying taking seconds. Why – because I was also so ashamed. I feel like this is due to my childhood – I’d come home with a 95 and the question would be “what did you get wrong.” Always having to prove myself, justify, explain – it’s behind some of the theology stuff too. Have to justify myself to the inner skeptic, otherwise it’s invalid. What a mess!

(from computer)

I used to think that monks were the people with the answers. Now I really doubt the whole lifestyle. Certainly, for me it is no longer something I aspire to. I guess I get it as a temporary measure, but even for a couple of weeks it seems really anti-human. It’s just not what I believe. Is it necessary to deny oneself in order to really be compassionate with other people’s suffering? Is it necessary to liberate oneself? I don’t know. I can’t say categorically it’s wrong, of course, but I just am in a lot of doubt about it.

And, as noted in the notebook, I get a little tight around it because it is in play here. Of course, I agree that some self-denial is beneficial – I’m denying speech, contact with others, etc., in order to slow down and quiet down. Maybe by week 3 or 4 or something, I will have had enough of really beautiful moments in nature, or good times with food, and so then I’ll give them up.

Many of my good times with food have been ruined by this whole set of ideas. Once the thread gets going, it’s very hard to drop.

OK let’s go do the compassion meditation, tho I’m really happier sitting here writing. Hmm, I wonder if these practices have gotten out of hand - writing and reading.

–

Wow, what a difference an hour makes. Very clear now, tho not swimmy. Very anxious b/c roommate is here hearing me type. Mix of embarrassment and actual concern for him - mostly the former. I liked this noisy keyboard when I tested it out but now I wish it were silenter.