First awareness of anger

11/8
(from notebook)

This morning’s insight, not a pleasant one, is: I am fucking furious! I am so fucking enraged at the stupid, dipshit, ignorant fucking American voter! I want to find every Republican and wring their fucking necks! Half of them are blinded by their “values” to what is really going on, and the other half are lying to the first half. The Republican establishment maintains their rule by lying to their base. This stuff about Christian values – what a crock! The real sources of power in the party are just trying to get as rich as possible – the exact opposite of what Christ wants!

Christians: The Republicans are lying to you! Contrast what Christ said and what the real policies are.

Of course, half the Bible says the wrong thing. Then again, why would Jesus say anything about the environment – it wasn’t an issue in his time. But these people are too resistant, or too dumb, to translate/update his sensibility. Or who knows, maybe Jesus really was a pompous, moralizing jerk the way contemplative preachers are. I don’t think so, though.

Ok, end of rant.

All this anger is being spread to everyone else. I am angry about the food, angry I didn’t know to bring stuff, angry I forgot medicine, angry about what the practice is and isn’t. There is just a ton of rage in my, flowing and coursing.

And I am watching it, but I don’t know what to do. I know not to act on it, at least not in a permanent or public or dangerous way. I know to just keep practicing. But I wonder if I should take a run. I feel like this is time to just watch.

[Note: this issue became the center of my work right at the end of retreat, and there will be quite a lot more said about working with anger.]

Later.

Well, I didn’t just watch. I wrote a rant. Kept mindfulness pretty much the whole time. Felt good. Now my issues are just problems to address, not sources of irritation. Was that the “right” thing to do? I’ll ask.

Lasagna made me happy.

Still not sure where I stand re religion in general and mine in particular.

Reading over Burning Man notes… 2004 was really the year I stopped being so lonely. Enlightenment sure helps – really only got that sense of myself starting in December 03. A sense of yes, rather than uh, dunno. Not that I’m at the end of the path. Just that “I” am not the one who’s on the path. Summer 2003 was about A., marathon, July sex, August rebirth. Summer 2004 is harder to pin down. Easton, teaching, S. 2004 seems more fun. On the path, also. Sex magic, real ability to see this moment as God.