A few notes on samadhi

Entries while in gadlut are in the notebook. I find after a certain period of time, that state becomes almost confining. I think it’s probably the attachment to it that becomes confining - that, and - I don’t know, today when I came out of it, it was like waking up and getting clear. Which is funny since ‘clear’ is what the state is supposed to be. I felt the oceanic feeling in the mind, which at first is so warming, eventually turns to an unpleasant sort of molasses - translucent molasses, but still. It’s like that gooey sauce you sometimes find in Chinese food.

Now, I am faster again, but still in touch with the witness watching it happen. I won’t push it too far today, because I think I could easily get lost. And then after several hours I’ll start to despair, and wonder what I’m doing here. This pattern is something I am getting used to; I feel like it has a rhythm. I guess if it happens enough, you really do start not attaching to either place so much.

Right now, with the witness still in place but with more energy in my body and way more speed, and more taking things for granted, I almost feel like shaking it off. Enough! Let me be. Let me just be someone who goes around and gets angry and does stuff without it mattering how mindful he is.

But now they’ve got me trained like a seal, so I can sit and feel the energy of that – heart beating, a certain feeling in the chest. Not quite anger, but definitely not calm either. And then I can calm back down and remember: this makes you more gentle, this makes you happier. It is easier when God is not the reason.

Things different this go-round from the shorter retreats:
(Actually, it’s hard to tease that out from buddhist/jewish, but I’ll try)
Lots more wait-and-see.
Something can come up, and I can drop it because chances are it’ll come up again later and I can deal with it then.
Lots more dread of how long the retreat is - this happened in my first week at EC, but not after.
Less patience to do without certain things, because it’s 6 weeks not 2. (Hopefully met with more patience from the practice, but still.)
Much more time spent witnessing speed (as now) and negative places. This was something I expected.
Also, this time I really kind of got it – it’s not about going through something to the sweetness, it’s being with whatever is happening. I know that has been the theme all along, but the precision with which we can perceive anger energy or whatever is new.
A lot more fatigue - I’m still yawning right now, and could easily nap today.
More guilt: about napping, about food. Thus more tightness around that.


--

(from notebook)

Here's a thought: On intellectual level, come to nonduality via emptiness instead of nonduality. I know the experience, the doubt is just intellectual. Maybe leave nondual aside for now, focusing instead on anatta/sunyata.

--

Annie on the sense of the sacred:

I asked what to do about the sense of the sacred. Is it evidence of Presence? Is it a sign of what is true? Is it merely a response of body/mind? Is it to be watched, or cultivated?

Annie answered: both. Sometimes it will be skillful to just be with what is, but Presence is a wholesome quality to cultivate too.

The key is to be aware of attachment. Is attachment arising with respect to this wholesome state/quality? Is it being used to further aversions or desires?

E.g., metta practice can be used to be more present or be more absent. When someone pisses you off and you say "may all beings be happy" until you feel better, you're running away from the aversion. That is not skillful. At that time, the real metta practice to do is to have compassion to the anger itself. rather than push it away, see it as part of what is, and hold it with compassion.

So slippery... so easy to get attached to Presence. But then, to be attached in that way doesn't work anyway.