Fast, sexual energy

11/16
4:30pm (from notebook)

The "I" has been too central in my practice. I want this, I want that. I am becoming more skillful, less skillful.

Adopt Being-Centered (or God-centered) perspective -- now this fast flavor is coming up. Ok. Accept.

Intense restless energy, which correctly or not I've identified as sexual. Decided not to solve the problem, instead being with the energy. But, I am not succeeding to be OK with it in a "Gate of Sadness" style. Because it is disrupting the process of mindfulness itself.

"Turn attention to now, and tell me what your problem is" -- But my problem is I can't turn the attention to now, because of excess energy.

Complications also: 1, It's easy to solve. 2, Lots of stories come up about why the energy is bad to repress.

Yet, on the "positive" side:

1, I do like the energy, in that it shows I am an active, youngish man with strong primal desires that I like.

2, Maybe if I stayed this way I wouldn't fall asleep in meditation, and would only need 5-6 hours of sleep. But I wonder - in past times that hasn't happened.

My thinking is that while the mindfulness is transparent, it's not this transparent -- there must be some aversion or desire that's making this feeling feel lousy.

Unrelated: I realized I have a mindset on retreat that assumes everything in normal life is wrong. This is incorrect and very unhelpful - false separation.