What is the point of this stuff?

Very aversive, bored, "normal" this AM. Felt, what the hell is the point of this stuff. Thought maybe that's actually progress - less desire for "Enlightenment." But also a lot of anger and irritability at lousy breakfast, etc.

If passed. Lots of doubt, passed. I deliberately ignored it and didn't do anything, except relax and nap.

Now, some "answers":

I do this stuff to be more alive, in the most basic way -- showing up. Sometimes when I show up, I get a tranquility and quiet that naturally - without putting anything in - radiates holiness. Other times, it's just quiet and I can put in the holy stuff and it deeply resonates. And sometimes, there isn't a holy, special flavor - it's just being present. Oh, and other times, I get to see my own stuff very clearly - desire, aversion, confusion - and how it makes me unhappy/ blocks me even from getting present in the first place.

I think I believe that Enlightenment is knowing the truth about life, the universe, and everything. That means it's an experiential knowing.

I do find a sadness when the sacredness is absent.

Remember, your God - not theirs (i.e., not the dogmatic god). YHVH - Presence.

Sharon: It doesn't matter what the object is - it's how you relate to it.
And balance. Sometimes too far back, sometimes too far forward.

I need to accept and stop judging my writing and thinking, e.g. Balance between indulgence and self-mortification!

So, I'm still pretty "blah." Content sometimes, discontented sometimes - but no fireworks. Responses to this:

- There were fireworks just a couple of days ago, so - perspective.
- I've deliberately muted my practice, focusing more on mundane each-step and less on wonder. Also: taking the precepts.
- Some part of me doesn't want a deep samadhi state somehow, and I think is blocking it.
- Another part really misses the wow, the delight.
- Another part is very sad, because it suspects the delight was just a delight-in. Enjoying salad, or enjoying praise of God. Then again, both are real, right, so what's the harm of inclining the mind in that way? Buddhist s cultivate metta and compassion - it, too, is a deliberate "putting-in" of ingredients. The only piece this threatens is the "compassion is natural" piece. "Being loves." Tricky. I guess the love is there but you still have to emphasize it, cultivate it. Same with the sense of sacred, i.e., the Godification of Being. It is Being - how we relate, right? God isn't about beliefs about the world. It's about love. That is an inherent quality that needs watering, and I have deliberately not watered it to see what happens. Well, for two more days anyway - definitely for Chanukah, but maybe starting Shabbat, I will re-water.