Resistance to Discipline, Aversion to People

December 1, 1124 am

Happy December.

Two points on precision but first a short note of my tranquil mind state this whole am and last night. Dropping in and out of concentration, all about acceptance, allowing. Experienced a new mind sensation just a minute ago, did a “release, drop...” and went into a really floaty, lovely, almost dizzy place.

The 2 points are about discipline, and people.

I’ve been labeling a certain energy “resistance to discipline” - it’s a chafing under discipline feeling I get many times, like: ugh another ten minutes, or: ugh why don’t I just eat the leftover pizza. But looking more precisely, it’s really a resentment of discipline, and a dread of the time to come. That “ugh” is complicated. It also includes a kind of aversion, a pushing away of the restricted time period by pushing the mind into endurance mode.

Endurance is not the same as allowing and being-with. It’s a subtle form of aversion, really - it’s pushing away. Okay, I have to endure ten more minutes of this, or hunger, or whatever, and so I’m going to just grit my teeth and not really be present with it. I’ll mute its unpleasantness by steeling myself to it, putting on armor.

So that ‘ugh’ is a combination of so many things:
resentment
dread
anger, sometimes
aversion/endurance mode
sometimes doubt
And then it often leads to a need to think, remind, cajole, reinforce, comfort – or of course break whatever rule is in play.

Noting I’ve been getting a lot more deja vu lately, like just now.

Now, and this will apply to both precision points, I’m a little unclear on whether it’s helpful to note all this or not. Definitely, from a therapeutic point of view, it is - you can see what’s going on. I think it’s also helpful from a vipassana pov and mindfulness pov - you know, if you don’t see the wires in the view, you can’t accept them. Then again, it’s also important to be able to be with “cloud of unpleasantness, anxiety, and other stuff - don’t know.” Not to have to discern every wire, but to be with the mess sometimes, because often it’s just too hard to discern, takes a lot of thought.

I think in general it’s helpful, but important not to get carried away (as I could here) or attached to the energy of understanding, as opposed to surrender.

Second precision point.

I often misspeak when I say “I am averse to people.” That is ‘averse’ only in common parlance, not in the Buddhist sense of volitionally pushing away. What I really mean is, I find being with people unpleasant. And what I discovered looking at that is, it too is actually a nest of phenomena, including but surely not limited to:

- Discomfort around others. I so crave others’ approval that I get nervous. Am I walking right, am I eating too much.
- Self-judgment about that
- Resentment of the presence of others because of that – basically it’s resentment of discipline, together with all the other pieces outlined above: dread, steeling myself. Add in anger. But importantly, I make a mistake because I say “I resent people” when really it’s “I resent this energy, which actually I am creating, because of people.” Sometimes, to achieve a goal, you really do have to impress someone. But not most of the time. (And of course, trying to impress is rarely as impressive as being fully present and not trying to impress.)
- Judgment of other people: this person is so much better than me, this person isn’t, this person is cooler, this person’s a jerk
- Self-judgment about that
- Anger and frustration that someone “isn’t getting it.” Like Shakey in his chair, or Steve in his dharma talk. If the “it” is something I care about, then it turns into anger-plus-personal-attachment, which makes it all much worse. I don’t really care if someone doesn’t get the rules of hockey. But when someone misunderstands the dharma...
- Anger if the other person has disturbed something I was enjoying. That’s plain old clinging, whether the something is walking meditation, masturbation, or pizza. (That about sums up the important things, right?)
- Unease, and self-hatred because of it. I still don’t know how to be cool. -> sadness.

By the way, this is a thread left over from yesterday. The cool kids, it’s not that they understood the rules of behavior and I didn’t. They were being themselves. Their conditioned personalities were just more amenable to social interaction than mine. And, when there were rules they had to learn, they enjoyed learning that because they value fitting in and conformity. Whereas for me I hated those things and would only do them when necessary – i.e., it was a chore. So, maybe I can loosen my envy around the cool kids in school and in life. They just are a better fit for those societies than I am. Luckily I have societies where I am a good fit. And, hey, be with being a bad fit. It’s unpleasant. It’s part of the view.

Without going into detail, this is also true of corporate lawyers, law professors, etc. “Ya gotta know how to play the game.” And the less you chafe under the rules, the better.

Returning to discipline, then. Notice again these complicated strands. I think, again, being with the precision is useful but can get one sidelined.

Walk.