Working with Anger

A lot of thinking today. I’m allowing it. Yesterday was an extraordinarily quiet day, and when I look at the content of today’s thoughts, there’s very little spinning around and around, and a fair amount of progress on a lot of key areas.

Guy says the negative stuff comes up less on retreat with time. As I jotted down in the notebook, I really may be a somewhat happy person. Who would’ve thought. I mean, I really do crave more recognition and adulation, as well as markers of conventional success. But, the most important thing to me these days is my relationship with the world, a/k/a God. Am I living richly? Yes. Am I present with more and more moments, with deeper and deeper insight into the true nature of things? Yes. Am I having lots of times of devekut with God? Yes. These are what matter most, and they are largely within my control and I am doing what brings me happiness. Other matters are doing better also. Much less loneliness. Good health. Better relationships with family and friends - fewer conflicts. Areas which need improvement - anger, dependence, need to impress - are improving, although there is awhile to go. So, nu, I’m getting happier, forgive me.

Anger is what I spent a lot of the last walk thinking about. (There were some moments of lovely silence, but they were in the minority.) Here’s is what I’ve come up with:

- Anger makes me very upset for a number of reasons. First, the sensation itself, the energy, is unpleasant. Second, it is a mark of unenlightenment - which means both that it affects me for devekut reasons, and for egoic reasons (“see! you’re not enlightened! you don’t win.”). Third, it leads to suffering, on my part and others: very unskillful behavior, breaking things, serious embarrassment, and, of course, lots of self-judgment and more anger.

- The urge to fix the cause of the anger is almost immediate. On retreat, I can see it. In life, well, we’ll see. When I think of what I'm angry about now, the mind almost immediately jumps to how to fix it, how messed up that is, how can I scheme around it – races.

- The ALMOST is the critical, key, central piece. Because it isn’t immediate or irrevocable. And, it’s also worth remembering, it isn’t always possible. I get very angry when I miss a subway train in New York. Quickly, the mind goes to ways to fix the situation in the future, since it can’t do anything about the missed train: dammit, I’ll leave earlier; you never leave enough time; dammit, my mother always says that and that upsets me. Et cetera. What these things have in common, besides blame and self-judgment, is trying to fix the situation – even though, in this case, it has to be prospective.

So, in that almost moment, there are a lot of strategies. I thought maybe they were sequential, or preferential, but I think not. I think it just depends on the situation which will be most skillful. Here’s what I came up with:

- Note the anger. This may be “First,” because you have to see you’re in anger before you can apply the steps. Okay, I’m in anger.

- Feel it in the body. Insight during a sit: I feel anger in my arms. That’s a big insight, in a small package. I want to throw things, break things, wring necks, punch people, destroy stuff – with my arms. During the sit, thinking about Republicans, I really felt the energy surge mostly in my arms. Also in my heartbeat, and clenched teeth. But the arms was a revelation.

- Another possibility: Realize it’s only in the body. That’s all that is happening now. The rest is story.
- Be with what is, part one: the anger energy. Okay, surging, pulsing, heat. Try not to be aversive to it - it doesn’t have to leave. You won’t be like Homer Simpson in that episode. It’s just energy of this flavor.

- Be with what is, part two: and what else is going on. This is not the same as thinking happy thoughts. It is, to an extent, diverting attention - but more on that in a second. But what it’s really doing is becoming present. Taking breaths, looking around, the solace of objects, or of nature. Whatever it is. It’s not “in order to relax. Okay, deep breath, ahhhhh” - that doesn’t really work for me. Maybe it works for others. Rather, it’s in order to come to the present moment, be here, get back in touch with reality. Anger distorts and clouds reality: this clarifies. A natural relaxation and compassion will flow, because it’s reality, a/k/a God.

- Do not follow the urge to solve the problem. Trust that there will be plenty of time to solve the problem, talk it through, work it out, make plans for the future, after the anger has subsided. Resolutions made in anger are bad ideas. First, they are likely to be cloudy, because anger clouds. Second, even if they are held to, every time they’re held to is a kind of serious gevurah self-judgment. Ok, dammit, I’m leaving now, because I don’t want to miss the train. That’s not a nice energy to conjure up. Better to just deal with the anger as a phenomenon when it arises, and then later, maybe much later, maybe just a little later, look at the ways to address the root problem - if possible.

- A: Some problems can be solved. Re what to do for Passover, I came to a nice resolution to just do alternate years. One year, I’ll be kind to my spiritual side, and do Pesach in a nurturing way. Another year, I’ll be kind to my compassionate side (and to mom) by being with the family and practicing metta instead of ruchaniyut hapesach. That was remarkably easy. No more angst. It alone is worth all this thinking.

- B: Other problems, I cannot solve. Why people like crappy music – makes me angry, beyond my ability to solve. So, surrender. Some other problems maybe I could solve if I totally changed my life – anti-environmental political policies, for example. These require thought and choice. I have to go back to my life choices and review them. I cannot have a gam v’gam on these big issues. If I want to dedicate my life to eradicating earth-hatred, it will take that level of commitment. Otherwise, I need to find little things I can do (personal behavior, the Prius, contributions) and surrender on the big issues. Which leads to the next-to-last point:

- Realize Who you’re really angry at. Everything is a result of causes and conditions, a/k/a everything is God. So, when you’re angry, you’re angry at God. A desire that you have is not being met by the Universe (maybe in the form of an inadequately funded mass transit system, maybe in the form of an asshole) and so you are upset and now you are “angry at” the universe. Everything is an empty boat. This is a way of seeing Yoda’s “do or not do - there is no try” (I love the fact that ‘Yoda’ is apparently in my word processor’s dictionary). Things either are or they are not – ‘trying’ included, of course. When you are angry, you are angry at God and putting yourself up in God’s place. Avodah zara.

- Don’t resent the energy of discipline. Anger sometimes needs, as a last last resort, to be repressed. Experience anger but act and speak from a place of love. That feels unpleasant (now) but the discipline is compassionate discipline. Allow its energy too. Anger energy and discipline energy - a tough combo. But, it is skillful. Learn to be ok with those energies.

Almost time for (2nd) lunch but one other piece:

- Being angry at yourself is bad, bad news. I would say at least 50% of my anger is self-directed. I should’ve done this, I should’ve done that. How unfair! I’m never going to improve as a result of self-anger. I will only improve with compassion and clarity. (Remember: anger distorts.) When someone else is angry at me, I get defensive, upset, hurt. Same when I get angry at myself. It’s just not helpful. Of course, the response from me is often an angry one: “Don’t get angry at yourself!” This is folly. See the whole thing as causes and conditions. Use the procedures above. Become calm, and see that when you’re angry at yourself you’re also angry at God because you are God wearing this bracelet. Causes and conditions. Be patient, and be disciplined. The worst case scenario, if I’m never angry at myself again, is that some things that might’ve gotten done won’t get done. Zeh hu. Maybe I won’t get that gig, or write those extra pages.

OK I was intending to also make a list of things that make me angry. You know what, I won’t. Too hard to do briefly. Although I want a special shout-out to people who like bad music. That makes me angry. I surrender to Missy Elliott. Play on, sista.