Emptiness of self is liberation

Undated - 11/25 or 26

Went somewhere I've never been before. Samadhi, then interview, but then back to samadhi in sit. Light flashes- thought of as chashmal. Dark parts of the mikva. Breath. Holiness. Desire to go on 7-day retreat in desert under Ohad's guidance. In room - kneeling to God.

Ended at "That's all for now" after I set intention to "set aside even God." Had idea of going beyond concept to Ein Sof, but either not-yet or this was a mistake. Not a sense of punishment, though -- just, that's all for now.

Vision of kneeling and having ego-head chopped off for God.

The need to purify is obvious. The feeling is sexual- there's a desire to get naked or imagine a mikva in sexual terms. And then stories start. Not evil- just very powerful, and disruptive as a result. Notice how whenever I think of something powerful, a sex fantasy or idea will arise.

Saw clearly that even my longest-held, deepest self-desires -- career, acceptance, love -- are "just" desire that arise. Very powerful -- and may be skillful to address them -- but not "me." Arisings.

No need for cosmology. Once there's really no self, all these pieces and motivations are "just" arisings. Things that come and go. Emptiness of self = Liberation.

Of course, the arisings will still arise...