The problem is that the doubt undermines

Monday 12/6, 1003pm


well, another full day. half of it was very pleasant, the other half a mix between unpleasant and confusing. oh well. i can’t complain after a 4-6 hour samadhi-like period in which i was able again to access awareness in a blissful state.

the trouble isn’t so much that the state passes. that is sad, but i can accept it, particularly when there is the possibility for another one at some point soon. the trouble is that after the state passes, a doubt arises that undermines the state itself. this is the real flowers for algernon effect. in these exalted states, i am certain - not a feeling, not a nice oceanic sense, but as certain as anything, certainly as certain as i am that i exist at all - that awareness transcends myself, that i am just a ripple on the cosmic god ocean. how am i certain of that? it’s hard to say. the sense of certainty itself, for one – i mean, as god said last go-round, “how do you know anything?” another is the sense of presence - like someone looking you back in the eye. and it does comport with what the vast majority of people who spend time with spirit say about all is one, etc. from a physical perspective, the boundaries between objects are insignificant and objects are mostly empty. the only question, as i have noted before, is whether my sense of that has anything at all to do with that reality.

anyway, there are some thoughts about it. the problem is the doubt, the undermining. it just seems so easy for my inner james to say “that was just a nice delusion.”

funny, one retreat it was all jeremy, saying that a nice normal life makes more sense than meditating with weirdos. another was dick cheney, saying essentially the same thing except it was an evil, corrupt, happy life. and now it’s james, also saying the same thing but from a nicer, more thoughtful-skeptical perspective.

s.'s talk tonight again drove me up a wall. i got very tight about how i practice, etc. during the walk afterwards, i realized, at this point, i am pretty confident about my practice. even the music and the sex pieces, but also the writing etc. i am open to question it, and have gone on writing, music, and sex, and food, fasts during this retreat. but in its general shape, with its strengths and many weaknesses, i have come to trust it. and so, i realized, i don’t need to get defensive or tight when someone puts forth a different view. what a lovely relief that was.

that’s a nice thing about this practice. had i not done the walk, had i gone to the room and sulked, there wouldn’t have been space for that relief to arise.

busy mind tonight, mostly with trivia.

one non-trivial bit were the visions. i have a vivid imagination. during brahma vihara practice it was effortless to imagine the people i was ‘speaking to’ talking back. it was very vivid, and sweet, it was nice to be with my friends and even my non-friends. clearly this is a quality of mind, enhanced on retreat, and I’m happy to have it. it’s more serious when i have a conversation with Dad. it was very moving, i said i love you, he said he was sorry he couldn’t say it when he was alive – big stuff. i had a sense that, afterlife is just our real selves, without our fear. what a lovely notion.

or delusion. what is the truth content of these visions? psychoanalytically, sure. but is there anything more than that? it is definitely not “me” talking. i can make the characters say whatever, but i know the difference. in fact, the only times i can “hear” them is when i completely let go and just be open to hear. then god talks, andrew ramer talks, dad talks, my friends talk. my conscious mind, the controlling part, is held back, and - what? what happens? these imprints the souls have made on me talk?

i don’t know what is happening. i am in a very suggestible place. and also due to stuff from before retreat, very open to energy, ghosts, you name it. i don’t think any of it has to do with absolute truth. but it has a whole lot to do with the universe as constructed & experienced.

ok I’m going to end the thoughts for a bit, sow a little stillness i hope.